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Being Strong and Resourceful in the Midst of Fear and Reactivity

A Personal Note from Kris King

I wish I could show you...As I move about in the world observing and listening to what people are talking about these days, I am once again amazed by the power of beliefs. What is clear to me is the difference between the impact of  beliefs that are love based and beliefs that are fear based. It seems the media is committed to making sure you know how bad things are…over and over again. With repetition people start believing it is true. How about you?

Today I want to remind you of your strength, resourcefulness, courage, the power of your choice and your ability to learn and grow. I believe in you.

Remember all the fearful messages we were hearing about what would happen when we shifted to the new millennium? We were told computers would shut down, no electricity, there would be riots and break-ins because alarms wouldn’t work, we would be vulnerable to attack and there would be no food on the shelves in markets, just to name a few. What actually happened…nothing. And yet millions of people wasted precious moments anticipating that something bad would happen, making it real for them until the clock ticked to 12:00 a.m., 2000.

What is the difference that makes the difference?

The work at Wings has rocked my world again and again in a powerful, positive and profound way. When I changed my mind, I changed my world is how I describe this transformation.

I want to share five of the most significant shifts in consciousness that have helped me practice staying awake, being resourceful and proactive. My hope is, they will support you in remembering how powerful you are in each moment to create the world you want to live in…now.

Important reminder: These patterns are not about resisting your fear or anybody else’s…because resistance breeds more resistance. Pretending you are not afraid just makes that little voice in your head yell louder! Rather, these beliefs or presuppositions are actually based in acceptance that fear is a choice and there are other options that serve you better.

Another important piece of information…Remember when you were told that the brain doesn’t change? That you are born with a certain number of brain cells and the only thing you could do is kill them by using alcohol and drugs?  Well, welcome to the world of research and discovery. Our brain structure changes responding to new thinking, feeling and experience. Neuroplasticity is a new field of science that explores this. Here is a quote that describes what happens:

“According to the theory of neuroplasticity, thinking, learning, and acting actually change both the brain’s physical structure, or anatomy, and functional organization, or physiology from top to bottom. Neuroscientists are presently engaged in a reconciliation of critical period studies demonstrating the immutability of the brain after development with the new findings on neuroplasticity which reveal the mutability of both structural and functional aspects. A substantial paradigm shift is now under way: Canadian psychiatrist Norman Doidge has in fact stated that neuroplasticity is “one of the most extraordinary discoveries of the twentieth century.”

- Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuroplasticity

So I am not kidding when I said, When I changed my mind, I changed my world!

5 significant shifts in consciousness that assist me to stay awake.

1. Moving from victim to accountable.

When I came into the Personal Effectiveness Seminar [PES] I believed that I was doing everything I could to make my marriage, family and life work, and I was working very hard. I was resentful with a capital R! I blamed my husband for my feelings of dissatisfaction and loneliness. I was certain he was the main reason our marriage was not working. I wanted him to change so my life would get better. During the PES, I realized with some horror that I saw myself as the victim of my husband.

I will always remember the freedom I felt the moment I realized that my choices were my own, that my choices had gotten me right where I was and because they were all mine…I could change them! I was the one I had been waiting for all this time. I could choose based on what I wanted instead of pleasing others. In taking ownership of my choices, being accountable, I became thoughtful about my deepest values and how to live them moment to moment. Light bulbs were going off with great regularity illuminating how much of myself I had given away by being dependent on others and seeking approval by saying “Yes” when I wanted to say “No.”

Becoming accountable means the end of blame and fault finding. It means the beginning of, I believe, the most profound spiritual path.

2. It’s about me.

Learning that whatever is going on inside of me in any given moment…feelings, thoughts, desires and actions, are about me was and still is profound and again freeing.

I am the one who decides what things mean to me and how I respond to that meaning is my creation. My assumptions, interpretations, judgments and beliefs are all made up by me and I was acting as if I was right about it all. So that’s where my loneliness, emptiness, and resentment came from…my own belief system.

What I am thinking and feeling in any moment is my greatest teacher, because they reveal my belief system. Instead of reacting unconsciously, now I can ask myself, “What am I thinking right now that is causing me to feel or act this way?” If it is happening inside of me, it is about me. If it’s happening inside of you, it’s about you. This is the end of “You make me…”

3. All thoughts and emotions come from one of two sources fear or love.

When I first read this statement in A Course in Miracles, I sat there knowing I was staring at the truth. It made complete sense to me.

Fear is the thought that resists, contracts, reacts, tightens, shuts down, grasps, dominates, attacks, makes wrong and blames. Love is the thought that accepts, expands, relaxes, engages, collaborates, learns, accepts and is accountable. Fear says, “This is the way it is.” Love says, “There are other ways of looking at this…let’s look together.”

Using this premise I can locate where I am in any moment. If I am tightening up, I ask myself, “What am I afraid of?” and then I explore my interpretations of what’s going on. With that insight I can make a choice that serves me better.

4. “We do not describe the world we see, but we see the world we describe.” – Joseph Jaworski

Say this to yourself a few times.

Now this gets really interesting and is based on quantum thought. Here is the power of language and beliefs:

“Our language and our nervous system combine to constantly construct our environment.  We can only see what we talk about, because we are speaking blind, beyond language.

Language is like another set of eyes and hands for the nervous system, through which we coordinate actions with others. We exist in language. It is through language and recurrent actions or human practices, that we create meaning together…and when we describe it, we create distinctions that govern our actions. We lay the path down by an accumulation of recurrent human practices.”

By so doing we create repeat performance after repeat performance; not seeing the truth of the moment, instead reacting to our projections from the past.

Some graduates of our seminars and trainings may have thought our attention to our use of language bordered on anal. However, shifting from describing what we don’t want to describing what we do want in a positive frame changes how we experience our world and our place in it!

- Quote above from Synchronicity: the Path of Leadership by Joseph Jaworski

5. What I give my attention to grows stronger.

When I focused my attention on what was wrong in my life…it became monumental and insurmountable. I didn’t realize that I was the one doing the focusing. I thought it was just happening to me.

When I learned that what I focused on was my choice and how I interpreted what I was focusing on was also my choice, I was blown away! When I focus on my weaknesses they increase, and when I focus on my strengths…wow…they increase.

Another way of saying this is, “What grows is what gets watered.”  When I focus on being right, I keep trying to prove it. And you can imagine the results. When I focus on collaborating with a person instead of getting my way, collaboration grows in my life and relationships blossom with love and respect.

These 5 changes of mind have assisted me to stay awake and learning. I offer them to you to see if they work for you too.

  1. Moving from victim to accountable.
  2. It’s about me.
  3. All thoughts and emotions come from one of two sources, fear or love.
  4. We do not describe the world we see, but we see the world we describe.
  5. What I give my attention to grows stronger.

Let me know what you discover.

With love and gratitude,

KRIS-SIG_blue

4 Comments
  1. This is exactly what I needed to day. Breathing in and Breathing out , being present in LOVE. Thank you Kris and Sherrie.

    Love,
    Karen

  2. Wow reading number one Moving from victim to accountable felt like I was describing my own life. but now I know I can change it to be what I really want to be by keeping my awareness high so that I don’t fall back on the mind traps that got me where I was before I went to PES. it is going to be a lot of work but I’m ready to do it.
    thanks so much Kris, I’m printing this info and will be reading it pretty often, its going to be so helpfull to me as I do much of the clean up I need to do in my life. :-)… thanks so much Julie for sharing this blog with me I really appreciate it :-)

    Adelina

  3. Kris,
    This is a beautiful reminder of how I need to live my life. Thank you!

    Love,
    Lilly

  4. I love the word “shift”. I do not have to reinvent my life, just turn and look at it 2 degrees differently!
    The part in #1 about how much I have given away of my self by pleasing others’ at my own expense is a huge realization. I now can change that!
    The second recognition was how powerful language is “like another set of eyes for the nervous system”.
    By speaking in truth and with intention, I can skip all the negative self-talk that does nothing but destroy my confidence and speak words of power about my own strength and ability.
    I shall walk proudly, proclaiming to myself my significance in this world. This also means accepting responsibility for words I have used for others that were negative, hurtful, and disempowering.
    This dates me but…. “I am woman, hear me roar” or more accurately… Hear my voice!
    Thank you to all who have played and are still playing a role in my growth and post PES existence!

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