"We both learned to not live in the future as it destroys not only the future but the present. We learned to be present, moment to moment."

Dave Wood - December 1987 Grad

A Journey Through Cancer

Note: when I first decided to write about our journey through cancer I felt at one point as if I had the complete story... and then when I tried to put the words on paper, which is normally easy for me, I found it was not possible. Little did I understand then that the journey was not ending nor stopping, and it continues to this day and will tomorrow. It is only now that I can make sense in putting words on paper to describe what has and is occurring.

My wife Linda developed a cough in the spring of 2007. It continued to a point where we sought medical assistance. After an x-ray of her lungs, the doctor said Linda had pneumonia and put her on antibiotics, which did absolutely nothing. Then more antibiotics, followed by a visit to a pulmonologist who said he was concerned and had a scan done. Again we were not overly concerned but wanted to hear the results even if he had to call... which he did and said “it’s lung cancer.”

What??????!!!!!!!!!!

Not even on our radar... not even something we considered a possibility in our lives. Immediately we went into action and soon learned that the wheels of cancer can turn slowly. As my friend John said: “Take your place in line.”

Did it get better? NO. It seemed at each turn that the news got worse: not operable... stage 3 cancer... and then stage 3 b... and then....

Chemo... radiation... huge amounts of each... long term prognosis not good....

I became a full time care giver: giving medications, sorting out the questions and getting tube feeding ready, time in the hospital. Were there points in this journey when we felt it was over?

Most definitely. Not good news.

One day my blood pressure in the middle of this journey soared. Never felt so close to a deathly feeling in my life. I knew at any moment I wasn’t going to make it. Medications upon medications... sicker and sicker....

One day my cardiologist said I needed to go across the street. I didn’t understand what he meant. He spoke further: ”it’s in your head... you are having symptoms which are anxiety based.... You need counseling and help we can’t provide.” I left in a quandary, went home lost, then started to sort through some papers we had been given when we first were introduced to the St. Charles medical cancer program. They had an entire support system. I recognized a name of a coordinator/facilitator in the material: Rosemary Johnson.

Rosemary had been in a small group I led in CrossOver years before, a very caring and insightful individual as I remembered. I called her at home.

The next day we were in her office, and then a quiet private room, where with her gentle words everything spilled out, all the pent up emotions and fears. And came out... sobbing.

Rosemary said now we must start by learning to breathe, as we had stopped during the journey. And we started from there. It became clear to me that much of what we were doing I had learned in Wings but my brain had disassociated itself. Rosemary made the connection for the path we were going to follow through this journey of cancer, and we are forever grateful for her being our “guide.” We learned she had been involved in bringing Wings-based programs to St. Charles hospital. These resulted in programs for all staff at St. Charles, which they hoped would positively influence the relationship-centered approach to care. Rosemary is now using what she learned to expand those concepts to the cancer community.

This is where I originally ended my story, but there is much more.... Linda went through hell, pushed to the point of her body almost giving up in an effort to kill the cancer with drugs and radiation. She made it through by adopting a healthy attitude, not giving up, understanding that each day is a new normal, accepting it for what it is and being grateful to be alive. We both learned to not live in the future as it destroys not only the future but the present. We learned to be present, moment to moment. Wow, another great lesson from Wings coming back to us.

What now....

Linda has stage 4 cancer. Lung cancer. Is it fair? Nope, as she never smoked or had been around second hand smoke. Ten percent of lung cancer patients were non smokers. It is what it is.

We thought we were close to each other before. Now we realize we can and do get very, very close. We are current with each other with no withholds. There is no future in any other way. We enjoy our lives, even though this “cancer stuff” throws a lot of curves. Linda at times seems grateful for the cancer in how it improved the life she has. We have worked with and been cared for by so many caring and loving people. We have a blog, www.linda-lou.blogspot.com that has documented our journey. Are we sitting at home waiting for the worst to come? Nope. We travel a lot, stopping every three weeks for some nasty chemo to be infused into Linda’s body to control Linda’s cancer. The key word here is control... the Oncologists come up with new chemo and all to keep the cancer under control. Linda is doing her part by a positive mental attitude, fostered by that first face to face with Rosemary Johnson and all that Wings training coming home. As Linda says: “I am grateful for my life, I am more vulnerable, current. No withholds. I speak my truth. I understand why my contract taken 12 years ago in CrossOver says I am an open, powerful and courageous woman. YES!”

Postscript: Linda is over two and a half years into her cancer journey, interceded by cancer surgery on her face twice, including an operation just before I wrote this. Different cancer but still cancer. And then gall bladder surgery a few months ago. The oncologist said at the time even cancer patients get sick. We chuckled at that....

As we continue on this journey we are so thankful for our Wings experience to lighten and point our way. Thank you for being there for us and preparing us for our journey. It is about me (us).